1 I've been struggling lately with the idea if homosexuality is a state of being like heterosexuality is. I don't think it is. I think homosexuality is a subconscious effort to have a mindset learned by whatever brought you to this way. (For me, it was the pushing onto me about this idea that males could only hurt you - they had penises and could hurt you.) I first had to understand that from God's view heterosexuality and homosexuality are different, which one of my pastors pointed out. God created heterosexuality, and homosexuality is a sin, from the start of even the thoughts. Homosexuality is not a state of being, like heterosexuality is. Homosexuality is a mindset. Many people will disagree, and I hope you will take this well, but we are all heterosexuals, by nature, but some people, I think, have trained us behaviorally, to abide by some different laws, which are not natural. These laws could be set by our selves, mothers, fathers, teachers, anyone. For me, it was my mom, like I said above. I feel like realizing this whole difference is my beginning step.
Alright so this song has been catching my attention lately.
"How great is our God, sing with me, how great is our God, and all will see how great, how great, is our God!"
I was enjoying the hill today on campus. I pushed play on my mp3 player to play this. I listened to it and laid back, looking up into the beautiful greenery against the partially cloudy sky, with the sun beaming through. It was beautiful. I raised my hand high and I was reminded of a NT verse as I sang along:
"When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: 'Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!' Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, 'Teacher, rebuke your disciples!' Jesus replied, 'I tell you, if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.' Luke 19:37-40
The song How Great Is Our God is a song of joining together to praise our God, to give Him the glory, as we sing together. 1 Peter: we are being built into a house. we are all stones, being built into one house. the foundation, the cornerstone, and the finishing piece, the capstone, is the very Lord who spoke the above words about stones to the Pharisees. we are the stones being built together for His praise!
Conclusion: I think stones are something cool to look into.
No one can serve two masters. He will serve one or the other. ~Matthew 6:24
This has really been hitting hard on my mind lately. It isn't like I placed it there. I don't know why I'm thinking of such a thing anyway. However, I have a feeling i know who the other master is. It's between God and a mate. This "mate" is either boyfriend or girlfriend; im bisexual. I don't like this about me, but I am finally coming to terms with it lately. I can't help this exactly. It's not something I can act against exactly. It's a force - a sexual force - that I should not fight against. God has taught me only to confess. I had some thoughts and "urges" today, and I'm having trouble deciphering the good pure godly ones from the bad wicked ones. I'm a bit confused on which thoughts are good for me to have as a woman and those which are evil for me to have as a woman.
I am looking for someone to be by my side and like me and could relate to me and i to them. I've usually always had that relationship with only girls in my life. It was a struggle for me to socialize with guys for the longest time. I blame my mother for this of course... birthday parties, warnings to be careful around guys, like guys can hurt you. I even experienced such hurt when i was young, and i knew what she was talking about all along. I knew about sexual things at an early age. I was taught by my friends who used to come over and we used to all be babysat together at each others places. Really the only guys I had in my life besides the guys in my family, were the boys at school. I went to a private school, so it wasn't much of a number. But anyways, I was taught to be cautious of boys = basically, their penises did bad things. My mom rubbed off her fear from her sexual trauma onto me. When I was first "touched" by a boy, I immediately told her. She remembers this. We have talked about it (not too long ago either.) But this event went to prove to me that boys did do bad things. Again there was another boy who wanted to show me his stuff. He was just a couple years older, with a show off sorta ego attitude. I agreed, so I don't consider this exactly sexual abuse. I saw what he had in his pants. I remember where I was and which direction I was facing, but I don't remember anything about what it looked like or anything. When I was younger, starting about age 6 or 7, I would get a sexual urge each day. I didn't really undestand this urge, but very many years later, in 10th grade, i heard the term masturbation for the first time and asked what it was. They explained it and I was like... that's what I do. So I embarrassingly went to go sit down and I decided from there I would stop. But from 6 or 7 years old until about 10th grade, I would masturbate nearly everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. This is how I can go straight to an orgasm in about 3 minutes, only because I've trained myself to do that. I don't enjoy the foreplay with myself, so I tend to just go straight to what I want to get, the good stuff.
Well, anyway, I think the masturbation is not the other "master" haha, but it is contained and deals with the other master. I had a boyfriend; we lasted about a year. After God broke us up, God told me to stay single. I knew what was coming... my struggle with homosexuality was about to get stronger and more intense. And it sure did. I'm still single, obeying the Lord, and no further word/direction on this matter has been spoken or given to me. So, I'm still staying single, but urging for a mate to be with. Basically, if I had to choose, I would choose God in flesh to be my mate. But... Jesus has risen and ascended into the heavenly realm. Praise Him!
Paul talks about the decision to get married in his letter to the 1 Corinthians, chapter 7. I read it, and I note that Paul is speaking of his own accord, which I do not trust. He plainly states that it is not the Lord speaking. So if I listen to Paul, it is not (this time around) listening to God. My Lord has told me to stay single. (He didn't say for now nor for the rest of my life, but as He leads, I will follow.)
I will not be getting married. Although I am sexually urging things, not just physical, but I yearn for more ways of intimacy, by Paul's instruction, I should get married. But following the voice of Him who is my Friend and Husband, I get that all my longings and desires are found in Him. He sustains and He fulfills, He gives life, and He puts things in motion. Because I love Him, He will save me and rescue me. Psalm 91:14, check it out.
So, I choose God. If I choose a mate, it might become the master I will serve. I cannot serve both husband and God. But is it possible to serve God through serving husband. This is the trifling mind-boggling question im at now. I have the desire to serve the body of Christ. But is that because I have a passion for serving women in the body of Christ too? I tend to want to serve the emotional side of things. I want to help people with their problems, pray for them, whatever. Where do I draw the line between a boy/girlfriend relationship and helping another Christian in their walk? Following the voice of the Spirit is so off right now. I know He is there, I just don't understand why He isn't speaking to me about things.
There is a natural relational component to women that men just don't seem to have. Women are relational, as I'm finding through Captivating. Men talk about concrete; women talk about sex after menopause. I much prefer to get insight on how sex is after menopause rather than concrete. This makes me feel more womanly, which is something else I struggle with as well, having doubts about my sexual identity. I was created a woman, but somewhere in my life, I started taking on some rather masculine qualities - I wore guyish clothing, I walk ... not like a lady..., i don't sit like a lady, i used to not shave for the longest time, all i would care about is orgasm (not foreplay), I like being able to fight and rescue; I have a lot about me that is guyish. But reading Captivating and Wild At Heart both around the same time, even though I've been bored a little more reading Wild At Heart than bored when reading Captivating. I can relate more to Captivating, and this is encouraging. It seems that Captivating will help me become more lady-like. Something I was never taught before I resented ladiness. Reading Captivating is helping me become more aware of the lady in me - that I want to be beautiful and have a man fight for me. It took me a while, but I realize how I really do feel comfortable in that idea. The Lord is healing me, and I think I feel better just admitting this. It's the first time I really brought that idea outside my brain. I want physical beauty, I want physical beauty. I know I will never be beautiful. I'm torn on how to do this though, because I want to serve God and serve the purpose of beauty. If I serve God, the masturbation seems tempting and less of a sin. If I search for a guy by means of my beauty, then serving God with my body seems to bring back not shaving and not doing my hair and all sorts of ways. I was just thinking of continuing not shaving and cutting my hair and trying to achieve this beauty, but I now realize that that is the master I don't need to serve. God is preparing me for His kingdom. After I die, marraige with any one will not matter. Spiritualness is what matters in life. God gave me this body so that I could be able to live in this physical universe. But the spiritual box is for infinity. I think the latter is more worthy to live for, because the treasure here on earth fades after an age, but spirit lasts.
A. John 14:1 – “TRUST” 1. Do not LET your heart be troubled. 2. Trust in God. 3. Trust in Jesus. 4. Therefore, trust the Spirit of Him (the Spirit is how we know Jesus is God)
B. Psalm 19:14 – “MEDITATION” 1. Speaking good is based on good in the heart 2. Luke 16:45 – “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” 3. Proverbs 7:2-3 – “keep commandments and live; write them on heart.”
C. Ephesians 6:17 – “SWORD” 1. Sword of the Spirit 2. Word of God = Sword 3. Genesis 3:24 - “He placed a flaming sword to guard the way to the tree of life.” a. Proverbs 4:23 - “The heart is the wellspring of life.” b. Hebrews 4:12 – “The Word of God is sharper than a double-edge sword.”4. Jeremiah 31:33 – “I will write my law on their hearts.” a. Relates to B. 3. above b. Symbolizes the intimate, pure fellowship we once had with Him in the Garden.
D. Zechariah 4:6 – “SPIRIT” 1. Not power 2. Not might 3. Galatians 5:22-26 – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
E. Conclusion 1. John 4:24 – “God is Spirit.” 2. John 1:1 – “God is the Word.” 3. Spirit = Sword = Word 4. Spirit + Word --> Sword 5. Trust the Spirit/Word (A. 4.) 6. The Spirit/Sword/Word guards the heart.
F. Extra Related Verses 1. Psalm 119:11 2. Psalm 119:30 3. Ezekiel 36:26-27
These battles are not ones I chose. Yes, I walked into them knowing my faith would be strengthened. (Even as I am typing this, this is the time in the heat of the battlefield, where things are being blown and tossed around crazily.) I hope I share with you that giving up is not an option for me. Faith doesn't let 'giving up' exist. However, being a human/mortal, there are such things that hinder that potential.
I am currently faced with some situations. Though I don't understand them, I pray and constantly hope that the greater good of these happenings is being played out to its maximum goodness. What is happening I have learned that I do not have control over anything except my action of obedience. I can choose to pursue what my mind lays out as best, but having higher ones above me saying I shouldn't take those paths, keeps me seated where I am. If things were under my care only, which they full-well are not, I would do the exact opposite of what has been asked of me, which I have been doing.
This particular situation, I am scared, is weakening what is out there for me to benefit. I know full well, and have prayed many times about this, that I still have a purpose in being around. I have prayed to God and asked Him to take me unless I can be used. Call this spiritual-assisted suicide, or something of the like, if you will, but I believe when my body dies, my life mission is over. (I am just visiting Earth, if you want to look at it that way. My body is a gift from God - a suit - so evil gravity does not separate my masses.)
Anyways, this situation saddens me because, out of obedience to my 'authorities', I must do what 'goes against the grain' in my mind. Now, becoming helpless, as a contributor to this situation (meaning I am unable to contribute my say), I can only voice to God what I perceive as happening. I perceive this situation as a battlefield and the enemy might currently be advancing too much. This frightens me.
It is not honorable to God to revolt against the authority over me, therefore I feel I am not allowed to have a say. It is not honorable to God to fight at this point, being reminded of the psalm "be still" and in the exodus "I will fight for you." I find it 'going against the grain' within me to sit back and watch something happen that has not proved itself to be good or worthy [yet].
Overall, yes I am praying for nothing but good to result from this change. I think because the whole issue hasn't resolved yet, that leaves the feeling inside me kind of 'on edge', thus the helpless feeling of 'going against the grain within me'.
When you are face to face with a situation you can't do anything to help, no matter how much money you have or what abilities you were set with in life, there is nothing you can do to help the unfortunate in front of you. If that extreme chance has happened to you, you and I both know (hopefully), that the passion inside of us is an overwhelming amount - nothing God intended. When all possibilities of help have been exhausted - (visualize this) you collapse to the ground in front of a pure shining light, 'help' is on your mind, but you are speechless, not even tears, the situation has transformed to that of a burden on your back, and you want to lift this burden from you to the Eternal, who can help, but you are helpless to the point you cannot get the burden off your back, but the Eternal is there to offer help. But that's the deal, He only offers it until you take the deal - then He completes His part of the deal.
In that visual picture, if you chose to get the help needed, the burden is lifted. However, the situation/battle was never given up on. Only the burden of helping the unfortunate shifted. Before I give up, I want to make sure that I have enough strength/faith to hand it over to the one who CAN help, and will. If I don't give it up, it isn't my situation to have the problem vanish and no longer be a burden. The Eternal can only control that. The burden, still on me, would wear me down, naturally; it will weaken me and eventually rot me. A burden does not give up. Humans choose to surrender to that enemy sometimes rather than giving it to the Eternal.
Giving up on a helpless situation is not an option. Giving up a situation to the Eternal is an option, and, from my experience, is the better option (opposed to keeping it on oneself).
"Be strong and work, for I am with you," says the Lord your God.
Haggai 2:4
See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides Me. I put to death and bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of My hand.
Deuteronomy 32:39
God comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1:4
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."
Luke 9:62
The joy of the Lord is your strength.
Nehemiah 8:10
They who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength... they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness. Therefore the promise comes by faith, so that it may be by grace and may be guaranteed to all Abraham's offspring - not only to those who are of the law but also to those who are of the faith of Abraham. He is the father of us all.
Romans 4:3,16
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:14
In Him we are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit.
Ephesians 2:22
On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised. Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, "Live!" I made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels. Your breats were formed and your hair grew, you who were naked and bare. Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness, I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine. I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. You were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. Your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord.
Ezekiel 16:4-14
