figtvcmpta's Xanga

Teaching One's Own Knowledge

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 23:19:06 GMT

What is the point of gaining more knowledge than needed if one is not able to teach what one has learned?

~ The Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. 2 Timothy 2:24 NIV ~

It doesn't appear that teaching is a "gift." Teaching must be of one's own will. It doesn't come with the package of life. Teaching is not part of the sinful nature. Teaching is a form of reproduction, which was one of the first and last commandments - to reproduce, make disciples, multiply, etc. Therefore, it can be inferred that teaching is godly, if teaching the Truth. Reproduction is important; if it did not exist, no more generations, hence death.

Jesus Christ, forgive me for the sin of lust for knowledge in my life. Teach me how to teach the Truth, which I have learned from You, to others. I want to be useful.

Kristin - is she all, Rabbi?

Spiritual Battles

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 23:12:28 GMT

Things have been intense lately. It's all the more encouraging though. I know I'm taking new steps out, inviting my new friends to Bible studies, listening to people who need an ear, etc. Satan attacks me so much. The devil can have that credit, because he deserves to have the bad credit. I'm protected by my dear Rock, Jesus, the Christ of my life and the whole world.
This last week, I almost decided to go to a gay bar. But with it being a struggle of mine, my lesbian friend whom I consider my mentor and helper in this, advised me to not go. She paralleled it to the eating of the fruit in the Garden. Eve longed to know more, her eyes were definitely opened when she ate the fruit. Sometimes, ignorance is better. If I had gone to the gay bar, my eyes would have been opened, and a whole new level of the battle would have started. Thus God heard my prayer, "If I shouldn't go, don't let it happen." Well, it sure didn't anyway. My friend whom I was going with had some other issues going on, so it wouldn't have been worth it if we tried going anyway.
The thoughts have not left. They slowed down to almost "zero" a while ago. Then they popped up again, so visciously, i think the temptation/thoughts were so obviously a spiritual attack. Homosexual thoughts are still a struggle for me. Maybe it will get easier in the winter, when girls wear more clothing on their body... idk.
Anyways, the other night, when the thoughts kept coming to my mind like every minute (which is nowhere near normal), i started praying to God, because I didn't understand why they were coming at me so violently, and He answered the same answer that was from the beginning of this battle (earlier in the fall). He reminded me to "stand firm." God says that a lot in His word. But my original instruction is to stand firm as spoken in 2 Chronicles 20. It also says stand firm in several other places, especially in Eph 6, when it lists the armor of God that we should be wearing any day any time, to withstand the attacks. I was facing attacks Wed night very harshly. The Lord God has told me not to fight, but to stand firm, and I will see the deliverance that He would give me. Sure enough, I obeyed what I was instructed, and the thoughts became less. They still came, but less frequently.

Praise be to God, it is Jesus Christ who steps in and rescues me from the sinful nature of my mind. Romans 7:24ish

Got it! Sing with me!

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 21:06:06 GMT

Alright so this song has been catching my attention lately.

"How great is our God, sing with me, how great is our God, and all will see how great, how great, is our God!"

I was enjoying the hill today on campus. I pushed play on my mp3 player to play this. I listened to it and laid back, looking up into the beautiful greenery against the partially cloudy sky, with the sun beaming through. It was beautiful. I raised my hand high and I was reminded of a NT verse as I sang along:

"When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: 'Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!' Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, 'Teacher, rebuke your disciples!' Jesus replied, 'I tell you, if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.'
Luke 19:37-40

The song How Great Is Our God is a song of joining together to praise our God, to give Him the glory, as we sing together.
1 Peter: we are being built into a house. we are all stones, being built into one house. the foundation, the cornerstone, and the finishing piece, the capstone, is the very Lord who spoke the above words about stones to the Pharisees. we are the stones being built together for His praise!

Conclusion: I think stones are something cool to look into.

Guarding One's Heart: Proverbs 4:23

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 02:57:24 GMT

A. John 14:1 – “TRUST”

(the Spirit is how we know Jesus is God)

B. Psalm 19:14 – “MEDITATION”

C. Ephesians 6:17 – “SWORD”

D. Zechariah 4:6 – “SPIRIT”

E. Conclusion

Word

F. Extra Related Verses

Giving Up Is NOT An Option

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 03:05:41 GMT

These battles are not ones I chose. Yes, I walked into them knowing my faith would be strengthened. (Even as I am typing this, this is the time in the heat of the battlefield, where things are being blown and tossed around crazily.) I hope I share with you that giving up is not an option for me. Faith doesn't let 'giving up' exist. However, being a human/mortal, there are such things that hinder that potential.

I am currently faced with some situations. Though I don't understand them, I pray and constantly hope that the greater good of these happenings is being played out to its maximum goodness. What is happening I have learned that I do not have control over anything except my action of obedience. I can choose to pursue what my mind lays out as best, but having higher ones above me saying I shouldn't take those paths, keeps me seated where I am. If things were under my care only, which they full-well are not, I would do the exact opposite of what has been asked of me, which I have been doing.

This particular situation, I am scared, is weakening what is out there for me to benefit. I know full well, and have prayed many times about this, that I still have a purpose in being around. I have prayed to God and asked Him to take me unless I can be used. Call this spiritual-assisted suicide, or something of the like, if you will, but I believe when my body dies, my life mission is over. (I am just visiting Earth, if you want to look at it that way. My body is a gift from God - a suit - so evil gravity does not separate my masses.)

Anyways, this situation saddens me because, out of obedience to my 'authorities', I must do what 'goes against the grain' in my mind. Now, becoming helpless, as a contributor to this situation (meaning I am unable to contribute my say), I can only voice to God what I perceive as happening. I perceive this situation as a battlefield and the enemy might currently be advancing too much. This frightens me.

It is not honorable to God to revolt against the authority over me, therefore I feel I am not allowed to have a say. It is not honorable to God to fight at this point, being reminded of the psalm "be still" and in the exodus "I will fight for you." I find it 'going against the grain' within me to sit back and watch something happen that has not proved itself to be good or worthy [yet].

Overall, yes I am praying for nothing but good to result from this change. I think because the whole issue hasn't resolved yet, that leaves the feeling inside me kind of 'on edge', thus the helpless feeling of 'going against the grain within me'.

When you are face to face with a situation you can't do anything to help, no matter how much money you have or what abilities you were set with in life, there is nothing you can do to help the unfortunate in front of you. If that extreme chance has happened to you, you and I both know (hopefully), that the passion inside of us is an overwhelming amount - nothing God intended. When all possibilities of help have been exhausted - (visualize this) you collapse to the ground in front of a pure shining light, 'help' is on your mind, but you are speechless, not even tears, the situation has transformed to that of a burden on your back, and you want to lift this burden from you to the Eternal, who can help, but you are helpless to the point you cannot get the burden off your back, but the Eternal is there to offer help. But that's the deal, He only offers it until you take the deal - then He completes His part of the deal.

In that visual picture, if you chose to get the help needed, the burden is lifted. However, the situation/battle was never given up on. Only the burden of helping the unfortunate shifted. Before I give up, I want to make sure that I have enough strength/faith to hand it over to the one who CAN help, and will. If I don't give it up, it isn't my situation to have the problem vanish and no longer be a burden. The Eternal can only control that. The burden, still on me, would wear me down, naturally; it will weaken me and eventually rot me. A burden does not give up. Humans choose to surrender to that enemy sometimes rather than giving it to the Eternal.

Giving up on a helpless situation is not an option. Giving up a situation to the Eternal is an option, and, from my experience, is the better option (opposed to keeping it on oneself).

Peter and Jesus: Their Relationship

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 02:07:54 GMT

It wasn't something I especially wanted to do with my life - it chose me. Neither did Peter fully know what he was getting into. Who is Peter? He was a Jewish fisherman, and once Jesus called to him to follow Him, he knew he wanted to, but didn't quite understand the calling; he finally only got a glimpse of it as Jesus challenged him to follow Him no matter at what cost. (John 21). It's apparent that Jesus chose Peter particularly and importantly, and very distinctly.

Maybe it's just me, but it seems that most, if not all, the instructions from Jesus to His disciples were addressed to Peter. Peter knew the Law and the Prophets (Acts 2) very well. Jesus chose him to lead - to be the rock which He will build His church. And so was happened in Antioch (Acts 11:26). Jesus told Peter he would be "sifted" by the devil, but still prophesied that he would not abandon the faith, that afterward he would still be whole-heartily devoted to the Good Kingdom (Luke 22: 31-32). Peter was called to lay down what was important to him and continually take up his cross (Luke 9:23). Also, I heard somewhere, that Peter's death was also by cross - another example of his sufferings.

On the contrary, these were probably counted joy to him for suffering (James 1:2) for the cause of his very good Friend and Rabbi, Jesus. It is obvious that Jesus changed a lot about Peter while He was here in His ministry. Peter was a fighter, meaning his ego stood out. Examples are when he pulled the sword to fight the soldiers who were arresting Jesus, when he 3x denied and told Jesus he loved Him, and other things like that.

To my recall, the only time Peter is mentioned to have followed Jesus from a distance after Jesus was baptized, was nearing his trial with the Sanhedrin. All other times, it seemed that Peter was one of the closest followers/disciples of Jesus. Peter was included in the select few that were "special" followers of Jesus. One example of this is at Jesus transfiguration on the Mount of Olives (Matthew 17:1).

I've noticed a lot of parallels in my life to how Peter lived his life according to how Jesus told him he would. Peter was to suffer and be "taken to where he did not want to go" (John 21:18). Since I became indignant about following Christ, my life has revolved around being used for His kingdom, even if it meant my suffering. I have faced many various trials. So many, I'm only 21, and I see it as I'm constantly undergoing a battle, but once I'm victorious, I'm starting another new battle. I've been through struggle after struggle, and it seems to be repeating itself (not the struggle.. the fact that these battles keep coming up.) My friends have encouraged me that the more temptation I face means the more useful I am to His kingdom. I agree, I just don't know where to find that in the Bible. I have been set free from a bondage of pornography, and cutting. I am still overcoming some other things, slowly, but they have been made less intense at this point (I mean I don't struggle with them that much.) Praise Jesus because of Romans 5:9, He took the scars... I ended up cutting Him instead of myself. Praise God who, when I surrendered, gave me joy which was my strength to say no to porn the next day. Praise Jesus who, through many years, had led me to trust Him and follow Him, and by doing so, that refreshed my life into overcoming the self inside me, and denying its desires... it was put to death.

I hope you can see the parallels in my life to Peter's life. There are many things I did not want to give up at first, but the grace of Christ Jesus compelled me to release such a burden I held on my life, so that I could give Him praise and maybe that will be used to lead someone else to the Truth, the Christ.

Jesus has truly changed my life around. Any other saying would be a lie. Jesus has turned around my life. But to ask who Jesus is is the one question I cannot answer from my heart and my mind and my soul. I have to be honest with myself and God and with other individuals at this point. I don't fully believe Jesus is the Christ. This is one major area of difference between me and Peter. In Luke 9:20, Jesus directly asks the disciples hearts to answer this - Who is Jesus? Peter jumps on this answer quick and confesses Jesus as the Christ/Messiah. Peter knows that this is the time of grace coming. If I was there, and after Peter's answer, Jesus looked into my heart and asked me who He was, I would tell Jesus, "You are sent from God." - Not necessarily a confession of His being, but rather it would be from my heart as a confession of His purpose/mission, which is to serve (Luke 22:27) and maybe redirect Jews hearts.

Nevertheless, Jesus or no Jesus, I am still willing to be used by God/Elohim/Jehovah. And if I have the faith that can move mountains, I know this mountain will be moved by God's will/hand, and I will soon know that Jesus is the sent Son of God, the Savior of the sinners, by choosing the way of LOVE (John 15:13).

God = love = faith(ful)

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 17:12:02 GMT

Well, it started with Jeremiah 3, but that's nowhere close to all God showed me. In that chapter though, v. 11 says "Faithless Israel is more righteous than unfaithful Judah." This caught my attention b/c I thought pretty much all sin was equal. But I guess sometimes not in God's eyes. I wrote beside that verse: "not being faithful to your lover is more a sin than not having faith." Faithfulness is a VERY important characteristic of God. Two verses come to mind in this idea.

First, 2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself. To demonstrate this better, God reminded me of 1 Corinthians 13:8 "where there is knowledge, it will pass away." Faith comes apart from knowledge. Where there is knowledge, there is no need for faith.; faith will pass away, as does love (v. 2) "and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." They are just about inseparable. In the John series, He emphasizes that God is love. If love is God and love is faith(ful), mathematically we would have to deduct that God is faith(ful). If God is faith, His very existence depends on these characteristic. If He wasn't faith(ful), then He would cease to exist b/c that's His very being. Hence (2 Timothy) on His part, He must remain faith(ful), otherwise He disowns Himself, the very nature of who He is. Same with love: He must remain loving/in love to exist.

Psalm 23:2-3 "He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." For His name(faith/love)'s sake, He doesn all this. Because He exists, all the things He does, as a law of nature, must follow, because they are of faith and love.

Jeremiah 3:13-14 pretty much says to acknowledge our guilt about faithlessness and to return back to the One who always remains faithful to us, no matter how faithless we are. The Lord just wants us to repent of that sin. (It's a sin b/c it doesn't meet up to the holiness of God.) If we repent, He will lead us and bring us to Zion, which is the good place. Skipping to v. 19, God just longs to treat us like His sons, to enrich us with good things, to surround us and strengthen us with the most beautiful things of His creation. The Lord also showed me along with that verse, 1 Chronicles 16:9, "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the Earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." To fully commit to Him is to acknowledge our guilt and repent and return to Him. I suppose if we do this, without wavering/waiting, this is how we can best please God - by remaining faithful to Him.

Also in Psalm 139, I read this morning, God just emphasized His love and faithfulness through David. God is so faithful. To God be the glory!

Being in the Middle of Friendships

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:22:58 GMT

this is why im using xanga - so these certain friends won't see, even though all of them will be available to see this and read it to their hearts desire.

i'm just noticing that I'm in the middle of three other people's relationships. I'M FUCKING IN THE MIDDLE! and im kind of getting confused. but im SO glad that I can be their friend at the same time. They just have no idea how i'm in the middle. there is two girls and one guy, and then there's me. those three are like best friends, and not that i'm jealous of them (because i've never had a real best friend), I am okay with being in the middle, somewhat, only so that I can be their friend. I like listening, i like being that shoulder they can lean on, I like provided that ear and hug if they need one.

things changed one night, can't exactly specify which night, because one might clue in on this whole story. it all started with me promising Friend 1 to not tell the Friend 2. then the next night, Friend 2 tells me something about Friend 1 and Friend 3, and tells me not to tell Friend 1. So, yeah, as the times we spend together are more, and I hear more about the friendship between Friend 1 and Friend 3, but Friend 1 tells me her side of the story, it feels the walls/sides are closing in, and everything is getting more clostraphobic. Friend 2 has no idea that Friend 1 talks about some things, though they are best friends. Friend 1 doesn't know either the side I know with Friend 2 and the talks we've had about Friend 1. So, although all that is confusing, I don't mean to confuse at all. I follow it pretty well, because i know exactly what is going on.

Basically it comes down to me seeing my very dear friends hurting and tearing apart, not sure the deep cause/root of it, but it's all just a circle, and i think i feel it closing in. It's an intense ring. I sorta want to exit it, but i care too much to leave now. I would like to say the story is getting interesting, but i don't want to put it out there like a "story". These are my friends' lives, and they are being torn apart. I hate to see that, but I cam confined to keeping my promise, even though i know more to the story than Friend 2 knows, yet I pieced a large part of the information I have from Friend 2. Though really, she knows nothing, she gave me most of the information. But my correct guess came when I got on facebook. The feelings ended up gaining boldness inside me.

I can't say much more, because if i do, I will only be giving out information that I shouldn't be giving out. I told both Friend 1 and Friend 2 that I would keep their secrets. Though, now I'm beginning to see a bigger picture (surely not all of it) I keep finding that what Friend 2 has told me is not important. I mean, i would rather break Friend 2's promise than Friend 1.

There's some things i understand; there's still some I don't.

Depressed on Thanksgiving

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 04:50:49 GMT

Guys, i have a lot of anger. Anger only the blood of Jesus can do away with. Anyways, I'm basically just going to vent here.

"Bite the lip, just forget the bleeding." - Between The Trees, The Way She Feels

I'm depressed. Basically that's what it comes to. There's not much to say.

This semester, God's been showing me the body of Christ, and how we are used to be there for other people. God has revealed to me being used in that manner, and others being used to help me grow. There's been this one person that I've really just poured myself on. I thought she could take of that, but she can't. I know she is human, and I can't expect anyone to be the perfect body of Christ, but having other people there helps. Nothing matters anymore. The trust wall is up, but she alone seemed to have gotten on my side of the trust wall. I trust her, cuz I have gotten this far with her. I mean, she is welcome to come on my side, if she wants. But if she doesnt, it's like she is leaving me alone. Then it's just me and God. I ain't letting anybody else past the wall... probably for good. I don't even have my small group. My small group isn't one of cutters. There's one who understands about my sexual abuse and pornography and there's another who understands the cutting. By "understands" i mean that they have went through that too.

I'm probably going to go back to talking to people on the internet. It helped before. Christians should be the same spirit everywhere, willing to sit with people in their troubles.

She keeps saying run to God. I am, and will continue to do that, as far as I can see into the future i mean. But that's all it comes back to... no matter what we discuss.

Trust is the issue between us. I trust her... i mean, with my secrets, with my confessions, with my junk... but one thing holding me back from telling her anything more... for one, it's not about me and her... she's done all she can do. I think she knows that. But, second, to trust what she is saying is real in her heart, when it appears differently otherwise... that's where I can't jump over this hurdle. It doesnt matter, because she'll be gone soon, and all I will have to do it trust what she says by e-mail or over phone/text. Or maybe that is why I am being taken through this. Maybe God is preparing me for this - this not having her face.. just depending on what she says is what she feels.

If I take what she says, and trust that, then I will be able to have someone with whom I can share my joys and sorrows with. I was just thinking about that... praying for someone to share my joys and sorrows with. She says she wants to hear both. I think she said that. It's just her expressions don't exactly say that she wants to hear these things. But if she wants to hear these things - when I want to cut, what I get from reading Deuteronomy, and those kinds of things. It seems she wants to care, but she doesn't know how. It doesn't matter what I'm asking - because whatever I ask is of my flesh, so let me just ask for God's will to be shown and manifested, and let me follow it because it is perfect and good.

This whole laying down my life ... sorta depressing right now. But I'm okay. It's just like getting rid of myself... it's like the outside view of cutting - that it's being done for/from self-hate. I don't really hate myself... but I am tired of my mess-ups and my unholiness... it is dissappointing to the Lord, so I'll just give up on myself and let Him mold me to what He wants to. That's really pretty easy when you think about it. I don't have to do much at all... it's just all the weight is on the first step I take... in that it's the hardest, but when you think about it, once you give yourself up, it's not in your hands anymore... your life and who you make yourself out to be, it's just His decisions pretty much. He molds me and makes me after I choose Him. But yeah, what i was going to say, was relating this spiritual act of dying to self to the physical act of committing suicide. Laying my life down, as it says in John, is the ultimate sacrifice to loving God. (I just quickly wanted to point that out.) But yeah, laying my life down, I feel like I am dying. And there's not really much else to rely on as a promise there except that verse that Jesus says I think... those who lose their life will find it. But yeah, just this spiritual act of dying... laying it down to where it doesn't even matter where it goes from now... as something I acknowledge that i no longer own or have control over. *whispers: but that's what cutting/punching is all about - me keeping that control* and that's what I want to keep - control over my life. But I am learning to die to that matter.

I kinda don't even care about the healing now. He will heal me when it's time, I know... but all I was trying to do was just to speed that up, and say hurry God, before I end up going too far over the edge (as in suicide).

See, this is joy right here, stepping outside myself and seeing my giving up my control. God is God all the time. He was God and He loved me then and then and then and then and now and 2 minutes from now He will still love me, He will still be holding my hand, He will still be by my side 5 minutes from now. He will still be my Father no matter what... Father does not leave, Father never quits loving, Father will sit with me and watch me give up what matters most to me. I thank you God for working on this with me.

Don't get me wrong though, I still want to cut. I still have that kind of withdrawal pain/craving. I don't have my knife with me right now, my friend still has it... that's a good thing and that's been a very good excuse. I mean, her holding it has saved me from just cutting. It hasnt stopped me from control. But control is a sin. There are so many ways to get control back. I just want cutting to be that means. But as for right now at least, withdrawing or not from cutting, I seek my Lord, for I know I am safe with Him. I just want to be under His care, in His hands, in His control. I trust Him; I trust Him because I know what He does with me is good. I just want to be with Him, I just want to be with Him... just in peace and quiet. He is my Rest.

Togetherness and Jeremiah 29:13

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 19:01:16 GMT

TOGETHERNESS
We hide together.
We talk together.
We grow together.
We break down together.
We heal together.
We share together.
This is what the body of Christ means to me.
This is what Jesus means to me.
This is why we stay together;
Why we live together.
Can we just be?
I need you; you need me.
It's "togetherness one more time."
As ol' Poncho would say.
Togetherness is important now.
We need each other in order to survive.

10/30/07

JEREMIAH 29:13
I turned the corner,
And where'd You go?
Now that I've lost You,
It feels I've lost myself.
How can I find You again?
Is it possible?
Call out for me loud enough that I can hear You.
I'll seek You out.
I will call for You too.
And I will rely on the Promise You once gave me,
That I will find You when I seek You.
So listen for me;
I'm coming back to find You again
With all the passion I, my weak self, have.

10/30/07